RML and I have been fighting a lot lately. I really don't know what to do. It's been going on for over a week now almost every day. I feel taken advantage of, I don't feel appreciated and sometimes I wonder if this is what my life will be like for the next 40 years or if this is just a stage we are going through and things will get better. Some days I wish I were single again and had no one to worry about but myself. I wonder if I would be happier that way? It's funny... when we are single we can't wait to find that person to marry and settle down with. When we are married we realize that it's not always puppies and sunsets and things were easier when we were single. Marriage definitely takes dedication and a lot of patience at times. I feel as though I have no one I can talk to about this. If I tell my Mom how things are going she will worry and she'll constantly ask me about it. I can't talk to my sister because she won't understand and she'll probably say something to the effect of "Joe and I never have that kind of problem.. sorry you do". I talked to Andrea about it on Saturday and she has good advice but she also is a lot different than me. She doesn't let people run her over without saying something. She doesn't jump through hoops because someone tells her to. She's her own person and she's strong and independent and successful. She basically tells me that I need to stand up for myself and tell him not to treat me that way and that I need to be a bitch. For some reason I feel that if I start acting like a bitch it will only make things worse. I'll give an example of how things have been going. This morning we were both tired and had to get up at 5:30 as usual. He didn't get up when I initially told him to and didn't have time to have his morning cereal so I could tell he was already grouchy about that. I have been making his lunch for him each day in his effort to save money and this morning when I asked if he was ready to go he said "just waiting on you". I had been waiting for him after I finished making his lunch and I was just cleaning up the kitchen. When he pulled out of the garage the mirror was too close to the garage and I told him to just turn the wheel and he told me not to tell him how to drive. The only reason I said anything is because I have done the same thing and corrected it that way. I told him I was sorry and that we should just not say anything for a few minutes. He slams on the brakes and said "Don't ever tell me to be quiet. Fuck YOu!" Nice, huh? He thens squeals the tires and takes off out of the neighborhood. Even better, right? I told him to drive safe because I have a baby and he says "you are a baby". WoW! What did I do to deserve this? We didn't speak the rest of the way to work. I feel bad for writing all of this down because I wouldn't want anyone to think poorly of RML or think he's a bad person. He isn't. He's going through a lot of inner demons right now. Here is a the conversation we just had on IM... we made our apologies:
Him: i love you with all my heart
Me: i hope so
Him: always have always will
Him: since like 1st "date"
Him: i don't know what the hell is going on right not
Him: but it will be fixed
Me: i know, i'm sorry. i guess it's my fault. i should just learn to know when not to say anything
Me: i'll try to be better
Me: about that
Him: it is not one sided and if anything the slant his highly me
Him: we will fix it
Him: sorry
Me: well, i must not be doing something right to make you so mad
Me: so it must be more me
Me: i'll work on it
Him: pretty sure it is more me
Him: just overly sensitive on everything right now
Him: i need a break
Him: too many things- no breaks
Me: maybe you need a break from me
Him: you can't seriously feel that way
Me: you could go home for a weekend or something
Him: you are what is right in my life
Him: maybe you need a break from me
Me: no, i do not
Me: i just want what is best fo ryou
Him: i don't either
Him: i need to get back to being more healty- stress release
Him: just tough with new schedule
Him: that was working really well
Him: finally had some calm and peace i think
Me: do you want to start working out after work?
Him: i just think it is not feasible given my schedule, your schedule- and you are tired
Him: i need to do it at home
Him: kill the TV- get some shit done
Him: like work out, spend time with you, study stuff
Me: i agree, we need to get the tv off
Him: i can do like 1.5 hours
Him: need to use the other time better
Him: just have to push to get into routine
Him: bowflex collecting dust
Him: and gym membership costing cash- no benefit
Me: you could try to work out twice a week at the gym while i'm still at work or I can work out with you two nights a week
Him: lets think about it and figure something out
Him: i thought the wed friday would be good
Me: i'm open to anything
Him: run 2X week
Him: but I need to supplement with Bowflex other nights
Me: ok
Him: this new schedule does not agree with me
Him: i have to tell you that
Him: i'll get use to it over time- right now it sucks
Him: use to some freedom in my life/time/options
Him: also bitter over everyone i know getting a bonus
Him: i have $0
Him: sucks
Him: have to accept that
Me: you need to get over that
Him: have not yet
Him: i also think it would be good to set some hard goals for stuff
Him: we kinda did the $s one
Him: but other stuff should be on there-lack of working towards stuff makes one lazy as well
Him: i..e sell the house- either yes or no- if not- house projects for current home
Him: harold and I could knock some shit out
Me: i know that selling the house is causing you stress so i want you to know I am ok with not selling it right now. i understand it will cost money
Him: i know- but I would like to
Him: you know- our place
Him: i like the concept and idea
Me: i think you are focusing entirely too much time and energy on money and it is not getting you anywhere
Him: yep that is what i was typing
Me: we have a goal for money this year and we are on track
Him: why i think i can relax only if I have $x
Him: is retared
Me: i agree
Me: you aren't having any fun
Him: i have had $x-C for 1.5 years and no one died or suffered yet
Him: that does not mean sound money managment philosophy
Him: but I have to get off the preconived things in my head
Him: conceived
Me: you are doing very well financially and you have plenty of time and years Him: i know that
Him: i just got something in my head as a goal- and am now 2 yrs past it
Him: can't seem to come to grips with it
Me: goals have to be revised some times
Him: right- hence you and I setting some good longterm new ones
Him: thank you for taking a few minutes to talk to me
Him: i appreciate it
Him: the most important things are you and baby
Him: easy to get caught up in the unimportant ones when the first two are solid
Him: but not optimal
Him: i am mad about annulment- but need to do that
Him: i want to do it- pissed about process and all the other crap going on around it
Him: need to let it go and just do it
Him: if the shit comes out, we blush, get through it, get it done, and start fresh somewhere else
Him: no rules against that
Him: actually, the real rule is by zip code- and we should not be where we are currently anyhow
Him: should be at the old place I went
Him: maybe we should both talk to Mario together
Him: knock all this shit out at once
Him: not like you don't know any of it
Him: unless you need to do it on your own
Me: i agree
Me: i was going to call today and set up an appt with him for this week
amberlegalcne: i think it would be good if we both go together
Him: good deal
Me: i also agree with you that if any bad info comes out than we just deal with it like adults and move on
Him: as long as we work together on all this stuff- willl be fine
Him: maybe that is the final step
Me: what time of day, day of the week will work best fo r you? i dont' know if he does saturday appts
Him: afternoon or evening would be best
Me: i agree
Him: seems like we are on the same page
RMLeech: i miss wife- would give you a big hug and a kiss now if I could
amberlegalcne: i know you would
Him: thank you for loving me despite my many flaws
Me: likewise
Me: i love you
Him: love you too
Him: check in later
I do love him and I just want our marriage to be happy. I know we will get through this but it is definitely trying at times. I feel much better now. I guess I just need to pray for him. God needs to deliver him of this anger and stress he feels - as long as he will let God do that for him.