All I feel I've been doing is sighing in frustration or sadness this week. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.

I have worked myself into a frenzy this week. Monday night was the work dinner and didn't get home until almost 11. Tuesday night I worked for Andrea until 9:00. Wednesday night I worked for Andrea until 8:30. Last night I worked for Andrea until 7:30 for I couldn't take it anymore. I know that isn't a lot of hours, but I have also been working like a dog at my day job. I'm in one of those moods today where EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, little, big, it doesn't matter -- gets on my very last frayed nerve.

I think the things that are bothering me most are the following (no particular order):

1. I miss my family - normally I would have already made a trip up to see them and would get my family-fix. I feel like crying when I think about all of them and how much I miss them.

2. This whole Big D with RML and the ex-bitch is getting on my nerves. I'm sick to death of hearing her name and all the new ways this bitch is trying to get more money than she deserves and all the new ways she thinks of to screw with him. I am thinking of a Motley Crue song, except I'll replace a word "Bitch, don't go away mad, just go away!"

3. Work, work, work, work, work. I am starting to hate my job. Actually, what I don't like is the fact that we are starting this whole new project that I am taking on and yet I know that I am leaving in the next month or so, but can't let them know. So basically I feel guilty for taking on all of this stuff knowing that it's going to suffer when I leave because a new person won't be able to handle all of this on their plate at once. I just feel guilty.

4. I don't like all the uncertainties that are swarming my life. Things like when am I moving, when do I put in a 2-week notice, where am I going to work, when will I find a job, when will the mediation and court dates end for RML and the ex, when will she realize the offer on the table is fair and he isn't trying to screw her, he's trying to GET RID OF HER.

5. I miss my family.

6. Will I like Houston? Dallas has been my home for 6 years now and I actually happen to like it. I know that I will like Houston because of RML, but it's much more humid there and rains more. I don't like rain, I like sunshine. I will be close to the ocean, I guess that is a perk. I might see if RML wants to go to the beach this weekend. That would be fun. I need some major sunshine. That's another thing - I haven't been able to work on my tan nearly as much this summer. I suppose that is good for my skin, but I just want a little color. Bleh!

7. My brother never calls me. My sister never calls me.

8. I have NO and I mean NO money. I'm so far behind and can't catch up. RML said we will get my finances straightened out once I'm down there, but I hate taking money. I guess because in the past it's always been dangled over my head and I've been made to feel guilty for having taken the offer for financial help.

9. I want to finish school. But, how does one finish school with no money?

10. I feel like a loser for not finishing school.

OK, I am thankful for a lot of things too, but I'm just having one of those weeks and I am so sad, on the verge of tears and nothing seems to be going right. I couldn't even paint my toe nails right last night so now today before I head to the friggin airport I have to go get a pedicure. Now as much as I love getting pedicures I'm worried about getting one because of the damn news the other night about dirty salons and how you can get this virus that is painful and is expensive to cure. Also, it's just another $30 I don't want to spend. Shit!

I guess I should be happy with my life and all that I do have going for me but today I feel like complaining.

I never realized how much this relationship would put a crimp in my life. I mean, I love RML with all my heart and don't want to be without him but now I have to think of "us" instead of "I". So much easier to just think "I". I did tell RML if things don't get resolved at mediation today with the ex bitch that I'm not going to hold off on visiting my family. I'll go without him because I would like to head up there while it's still warm enough and my Momma wants me to come before Illeana and Promise start school this Fall. Can you believe how fast this summer is flying by? The kids here start in 2 weeks. I remember I used to get so depressed when I knew school was starting again. Then you had to wear school clothes and there was no swimming, playing, staying up late..... I miss being a kid.

The one thing that does make me happy is pictures. I LOVE pictures! Here are some of my favorite people:

Great Gramma Marie

Promise and Chloe

Momma Bear

My favorite doggie - The Gretch!

I love my Daddy!

My Daddy's Lake

My Sis Chell, Carrie and Silly Illie!

Presenting Miss Blue Eyes Kayla >

Jayne's Smile >

>

I think it's great how pictures can put me in a better mood. My Momma wrote me an emailtoday: >

"Hiya Cutie-pie,

It was so fun seeing you as a little 10 year old girl again and then as an older teen last night. What a bee-u-ti-ful child you were. We were watching Dave and Jo's video of some family gatherings. It was really nice. One thing I'm learning about taking family videos is to take time to really focus on every person there. Not to just go past a person or just from the back. Take videos that show what a person was like and of them talking and doing things. Don't take videos of things that you can see any old time but focus on the people.....

.....I was surprized when I saw just a clip of myself and that I actually was quite pretty. Then I saw one of myself where I am so embarressed of my outfit as it just doesn't match! It was fun to see Dad as a young guy again."

I think it's interesting that my Momma never realized how pretty she was - she was very insecure as a teenager and even as a young adult. I love her! I think my Momma Bear is the prettiest ever!